FUNNY, SILLY, AMUSING QUOTES, SAYINGS.

World has always had people thinking things in all the ways they can. About 70% of us think about a thing like how 70% of people think. The other 30% see things which the other 70% don't see, and they say that. Thats when a funny, amusing quote is born . And about 2% of those people happened to be famous guy and gals and when they said things, the entire world heard it. It comes up in the internet. These are some funny, amusing, silly quotes which i`ve read from the internet/books and really liked and which I read over n over and laughed over and over. i dont remember exactly who said what, but for those i remember i`ve mentioned the names. Read ahead..(not in a particular order.. Thanks for coming by:))

On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place. - Billy Crystal.

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

WOODY ALLEN QUOTES
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work…I want to achieve it through not dying.

On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem. woo


JERRY SEINFELD QUOTES.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

STEVEN WRIGHT QUOTES.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure

OSHO, on the word 'F * *K'

Hi,
The other day I happend to listen to an audio file on one of my friends cellphone. And that 5 minutes file made me realise that theres a helluva lot of amazing facts about a helluva lot of things in this world that a helluva lot of people including me dont notice. The one I heard was of a discourse by Osho. (For late comers, Osho is an Indian Spiritual Leader who is dead, but still alive in the heart of thousands of controversies regarding his Ashram he had set up at Oregon, USA and some practices which he and disciples used to practise). I`m not going into his details, but what he said in this discourse is hillarious. 5 minutes long file, 5 minutes of enlightment. Just like he brought light into the world of the thousands of like-minded sanyasins, he bought light into the world of the word 'Fuck'. Excerts :

BELOVED MASTER,
I FEEL SHOCKED WHEN YOU USE THE WORD 'FUCK'. WHAT TO DO?

Sargamo, it is one of the most beautiful words.
The English language should be proud of it.
I don't think any other language has such a beautiful word.
One Tom from California has done some great research on it.
I think he must be the famous Tom of Tom, Dick and Harry fame.
He says: One of the most interesting words in the English language today is the word 'fuck'.
It is one magical word: just by its sound it can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love.
In language it falls into many grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John), and as a noun (Mary is a fine fuck).
It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful).
As you can see there are not many words with the versatility of 'fuck'.
Besides the sexual meaning, there are also the following uses:

Fraud: I got fucked at the used car lot.
Ignorance: Fucked if I know.
Trouble: I guess I am fucked now!
Aggression: Fuck you!
Displeasure: What the fuck is going on here?
Difficulty: I can't understand this fucking job.
Incompetence: He is a fuck-off.
Suspicion: What the fuck are you doing?
Enjoyment: I had a fucking good time.
Request: Get the fuck out of here!
Hostility: I am going to knock your fucking head off!
Greeting: How the fuck are you?
Apathy: Who gives a fuck?
Innovation: Get a bigger fucking hammer.
Surprise: Fuck! You scared the shit out of me!
Anxiety: Today is really fucked. And it is very healthy too.

If every morning you do it as a Transcendental Meditation -- just when you get up, the first thing, repeat the mantra "Fuck you!" five times -- it clears the throat.
That's how I keep my throat clear!
Enough for today.